much manic
Mental illness symptoms manifest in various ways, depending on the type of illness. Some common symptoms include feeling sad or down, feeling anxious or worried, having low energy, feeling tired all the time, eating too much or too little, sleeping too much or too little, and experiencing aches and pains with no known physical cause. My particular brand is that I deal with both manic and depressive episodes; medication helps but it's not 100% effective but it's close. During a depressive episode, it feels like there's these pains and aches inside me that won't go away no matter what I do, and I can't focus on anything or make decisions. Everything feels pointless, and it’s hard to feel like you're the only one going through something when it feels like no one understands. It's also hard to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. Thankfully the medications have all but eliminated the downward spirals I would have to endure without them, but I still have to deal with the highs which are just as bad in their way.
Mania is the complete opposite of the depressive state. It is quite hard to describe what it is like to have a manic episode, my house does not get deep cleaned nor does everything organized and neat, but I have mopped all the walls a few times in my life. For me it not full blown like it used to be, it kind of feels like a whirlwind of intense emotions, racing thoughts, irrational behaviors, sometimes partnered with aggression, and irritability. I often feel like I am disconnected from myself. I'll say things that I wouldn't normally say and do things that I wouldn't normally do. My thoughts rule my actions during these episodes, and I am unable to control them, no matter how hard I try. There is no one-size-fits-all definition of a manic episode, but mine hurt my relationships and the people I care about most. It's not until I look back at the wreckage that I realize what damage has been done.
These episodes are extremely difficult to deal with and it can be hard to function like a (believe me I use this term lightly) "normal" person, and those close to me often feel like they are walking on eggshells. It's still hard to accept this fact about myself and my health, and even still I feel ashamed and embarrassed about it, but I've found discussing this with people has helped me immensely. I'm not always willing to be open about this, it's problematic when I'm not open because it makes me feel like I'm hiding something, and that's not a good feeling. I'm also aware it's risky to discuss this topic because people can be quick to judge or dismiss you, it can hurt my chances with new friends, employment or it can hurt my business, but I get tired of hiding.
I know that my manic episodes aren't just a "phase" they're a part of who I am, and they seem like they’re never going away. I take my medication daily and it helps but the manic episodes can be triggered by a myriad of things, from major stress and a change in routine to not getting enough sleep. It's frustrating, and it's hard, but I'm trying to be more understanding and accepting of them.
What I find most difficult is explaining and apologizing for the behavior after the fact. I know that I act out of character during these times, it's as if I'm living in a world where nothing else matters except for my thoughts and feelings. How does one apologize for that? How do you have someone understand that it's not really you? How do you say that you didn't mean the hurtful things you said or the reckless things you did? I'm still learning how to deal with this, and I know that I have a long way to go. Until I was 45, I tried to tough it out on my own, and I had gotten used to covering up the symptoms of my manias by shifting blame, or by thinking that I could control my actions which was never successful and only made things worse in the long run. I used the manic times as a coping mechanism and got used to them and it led to a lot of self-destructive behavior. I was in a really bad place for a long time. It's also hard trying to find the right words to say when I’m manic because my thoughts are racing and feel like I’m on a high, the words were always wrong, and I could never seem to get them out right.
I try to let my friends know what to expect and ask for their support, but this is where I tend to fall short. I often don't want to burden them or make them feel like they have to "deal" with me, so I still hold back. But in doing so, I only end up hurting myself and the people that I care about. I'm still working on this, and I hope to get better at it with time. Until then, I'll continue to try to be understanding and accepting, and try to ride them out the best that I can. And hopefully, someday soon, I'll be able to find the right words to say during these times.
It's vital to note that not everyone who has a severe depression or bipolar disorder experiences manic episodes, and not all individuals who have a manic episode have all of the symptoms. I'm unsure what the future holds for me, but if I am able to assist someone out there who is suffering or at least locate people who are more understanding and accepting then its worth it.
