growth

growth

I grew up with an abusive father and that experience has led me to have fairly complicated relationships with the men in my life. As a result, I am fussy but easily open to getting into serious relationships, and when I do, I dive in headfirst not considering the actual depth of what I’m diving into. I’ve been lucky that when I do find relationships that can accept me for all of my quirks, oddities, and faults, they still love me anyway, and that makes me a very happy man. I am very loyal in a relationship, and I would do anything for the person that I care about. I am very enthusiastic, and I put my whole heart into everything that I do.

I have been in three serious relationships and twice I was the one who ended it. The first time, I was young and didn't know what I wanted. The second time, I was in a relationship with a wonderful person that was just not a good fit. I stayed in that relationship for too long just because I didn't want to be alone.

But I always live with the fear of never knowing how long love will last, whether or not I’ll be abandoned on the side of a road or have to worry if a situation will lead to hands being thrown or if my worth and value will be questioned or even ridiculed or when love and affection are going to be withheld for some minor transgression. These were the lessons that were passed down to me from my father.

It’s not easy breaking the cycle and unlearning what you’ve learned as a child. It’s not easy being a good role model for yourself especially when you never really had one for yourself. But it is possible, and it starts with recognizing the patterns that we fall into and making a conscious effort to break them. One day, maybe, I will be able to break the cycle for good. But until then, I will continue to try my best, even when I stumble, because that is what strong people do, they get back up, no matter how many times they fall, and they keep moving forward, always looking out for and still there to pick up the ones around them.

These complications also cause a tremendous amount of anxiety, when you grow up living with the unknown and a volatile element, apologizing becomes second nature almost instinctual, an obsessive and compulsive desire to fix things just so that you can feel loved again. I know that I am not alone in this. There are so many other people out there who have dealt with or are currently dealing with similar issues. When you have that anxiety, there is a voice in your head that is constantly berating you, constantly telling you that you are not good enough, that you are worthless. That voice can be incredibly loud, and it can be incredibly difficult to drown it out. But you can do it, you can drown out that voice by replacing it with the voices of the people who love you. The people who believe in you.

The obsessive need to apologize is closely tied to self-preservation. It is a way of trying to take back control of a situation that feels out of control. It is a way of trying to ensure that you will not be abandoned, that you will not be rejected. It is a way of trying to make sure that you are still loved and accepted. But it is also a way of denying yourself the chance to be happy. It is a way of denying yourself the chance to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

It is time to let go of that compulsive need to apologize. It is time to stop trying to fix things that are broken. It is time to start living for yourself, and only yourself. It is time for the love that you have to offer to be accepted, instead of it being rejected out of fear.

These behavior patterns lead me into situations where I did not want to be who I was, to not be the name I was given, to not have the history I had lived, I wanted to be anybody other than who I was, all I wanted to do was escape into a fantasy of my choosing, a life I wish I had, instead of living the life I had. That fantasy life becomes a way to cope with the pain, to try and make sense of the senseless, to try and find a way to heal when the damage seems irreparable. To try and find hope in a life that sometimes feels like it's nothing but darkness.

I have always thought the people who have been hurt the most are often the ones who can love the most deeply. They understand pain in a way that others do not. They understand what it means to be vulnerable, and they are not afraid to show their vulnerabilities to the world. These people have been hurt by the world and their circumstances, but they have also learned how to give and receive love in a way that others cannot. They understand that love is not about perfection, it is about making mistakes and learning from them. They know that love is not about getting what you want, it is about unconditionally giving of yourself to someone else.

 And that is why I am writing this. I want people to understand that just because someone has dealt with or is currently dealing with difficult situations, it does not mean that they are weak. It does not mean that they are damaged goods. It means that they are survivors. It means that they are fighters.

So, if you are reading this and you feel like you are alone, or you feel like you are the only one who is struggling, I want you to know that you are not. You are not alone. There are people out there who love and support you, are there for you and will help you get through this.

I swore to myself that I would never be the man that my father is or was to me. I most certainly am not. As I get older, I see increasingly my father in the mirror. It's just a physical resemblance, but it’s a reminder of who I am, not who he is. My father was a sad, confused man who may not have been the best man he could have been, but that doesn't mean I have to be like him. I'm not going to let his past dictate my future. I have worked hard to create the life I want for myself, and I refuse to let anyone, or anything take that away from me. I am my own person, with my own hopes, dreams, and aspirations. And I will never give up on them, no matter what life throws my way.

I may not have had the best role model to look up to, but I am determined to be a good one for my own children someday. I will teach them about strength, resilience, and courage. And I will show them that they can be whoever they want to be, no matter what life throws at them.

Even with the best of intentions, there are times when I find myself slipping back into those old ways, ways that I swore I would never go back to. I am human and I make mistakes. The key is learning from them and moving forward. I have to give some credit to the complications of life; they have led me to where I am today. A place of strength and I am at ease with my vulnerability. A place where I can love openly and freely, but I still deal with the fear of being hurt and the fear of rejection. I’m at a place where I can be myself, flaws and all. And I am grateful for that.

For a very long time, I thought that my fate was to never feel unconditional love. That this is how it was supposed to be and that I couldn’t escape it. That the love I have to give was never going to be reciprocated or made to feel safe to do so. It wasn’t until I started working on myself and learning about my history and patterns did, I realize that this was not something that was happening to me but something that I had chosen.

I had chosen to be someone who I wasn't, who always tried to make things right regardless of the situation. Who always apologized for things they couldn’t control, but most importantly, I had chosen to be someone who believed that I was not worth fighting for that I was not worth saving.

But that is not who I am anymore. I know that I am worth fighting for. I know that I am worth saving. And most importantly, I know that I deserve to be loved and to be in a healthy relationship. One where my needs are considered and met and one where both parties feel safe and loved.

I have found that the best way to deal with this is to accept myself for who I am, to love myself, and to know that I am worthy of being loved. RuPaul says it best" If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?” Truer words have not been spoken.

I also remind myself that I am not my father and that I will never be like him, and that love does not come with strings attached or is used as a weapon for emotional manipulation. I know that I deserve better than the horrible lessons he taught me and that I created a life for myself that is based on my values and beliefs, not his.

So, there is always hope. You can find happiness and love if you are willing to fight for it. It may not be easy, but it is worth it. I know this because I have been through the darkness, and I have emerged on the other side, stronger and more resilient than ever before.

So don’t give up.

Don’t give in to the darkness.

Fight for your happiness and your peace of mind.

It is worth it.

I promise you that it is worth it.