Fear

dealing with fear

I have been dealing with fear for as long as I can remember. Fear is a powerful motivator. It has driven me to do things that I never thought possible, and it has kept me from attempting many other things that I should have done.

Fear of rejection, failure, not being good enough – these are all fears which we have experienced many times over the years.

Up until about two years ago, I think my mind would be described as "fear-based". I wondered if my experience is typical of others and in my research a common theme that comes up repeatedly – is this idea of "fear-based" thinking.

It is fair to say that while most of us are controlled by some degree of fear, fear can be an especially large factor in the life of a highly sensitive person or even someone in recovery, (for the purposes of this essay we will call both groups HSP's.)

The fear is that everything is changing and will change. That once we leave our comfort zone, our life will never be the same. And isn't that what recovery is about? Leaving the safety of "what was" and risking change to get on with living? The Fear turns into a learning experience and that leads to growth.

Sometimes fear can become more than just a motivator for change; it becomes, I believe, a roadblock – one which keeps us in our comfort zone and prevents us from experiencing life in the way we were meant to.

"Don't go!" My fears scream at me every time I try something new.

The fear voice tells me that I will not be able to manage it. The fear voice reminds me of all that could go wrong, the fear voice is just waiting for me to fail so it can be validated.

It is very hard not to listen to the fear voice. Fear has been my constant companion since I was a small child and I have come to realize that the fear is by-proxy of dealing with my sexuality and coming out. My fears do not want me to get hurt, they do not want me to try something new or different, they do not want me to fail. If my fears could have their way, I would stay in a safe place all by myself and never experience anything fun, new, or exciting.

There can be a fine line between fear and our intuition – but the two are intertwined. Fear gives us that "not on my watch" protective factor which can be helpful in many situations. But when that fear becomes overwhelming, it does not allow us to see outside of your own perspective, to take chances or make mistakes, and rather than empowering you, it can keep you stuck and narrow your focus. Intuition, on the other hand, is about opening your mind and allowing yourself to take in information that comes from outside your usual everyday experience. This "outside information" can be sensed through emotions, feelings, gut instincts or just a knowingness that comes over you.

Over time I have managed to recognize when my fears are trying to tell me something and when I am giving in to my fears which prevent me from seeing a bigger picture. I have learned that most of the time, it is better for me to listen to what my intuition is telling me rather than going with what my fears are trying to tell me.

When I do listen to my fears, I usually end up regretting it later. It usually means that I have chosen the "safe" path rather than one which may have been difficult on my ego, but immensely rewarding in other ways.

Life is about change and the only constant in life is change. The more you can accept this fundamental truth, the more you are able to embrace the idea that change is positive. It is about learning to see fear as your friend and using it to push you forward – rather than letting fear use you. By doing this, we can keep our intuition in balance with our fears and create a balance of thoughts, feelings and desires that will allow us to live our best life.

I am not sure when the change happened for me but at some point, over the last few years, I became aware of this constant battle inside my head between fear and intuition. And I began to make the choice to act on what felt right rather than listen to that ever-present inner voice telling me of all the potential things that could go wrong.

It sounds simple enough, doesn't it? But in the moment of decision when you are left to make a choice between fear and intuition, you can experience an incredible amount of mental resistance, especially if you are not aware that this struggle is happening inside your head. With awareness comes power - and the ability to not just choose but also to act on that choice.

This last year was a tough one for me and 7.5 billion others. There were many changes in my life, and I experienced the confusion, overwhelming fear and self-doubt which accompanies these changes. But I want to make it clear that this was not because of some outside influence or some new circumstance that came into my life. This was the result of my own choice to change what I do and how I think.

I am not saying that you have complete control over your choices, or the consequences associated with them but if you are aware of that struggle within yourself then at some level you can manage your fear. HSP's brains are already wired differently, and this influences how we perceive and process the world around us. Our brain can be overwhelmed by too much sensory input because there is so many stimuli coming into the brain at any one time. This can trigger something called "amygdala hijack". While we all have an amygdala, or what I also like to call our "inner ninja", it has a more significant role in the life of an HSP and this makes it harder to deal with fear and anxiety. Our inner ninja is and constantly on alert for danger – even if there really is not any threat at all. This sense of fear and anxiety becomes amplified when we are in a "probable danger" situation, such as sitting down to take an exam, giving a presentation at work, or asking someone out on a date, or taking control of our health and wellbeing or thinking about probable future interactions.

These situations activate the ancient survival part of our brain: the amygdala. While this is helpful in terms of getting us to be alert, it is also this part of the brain which is responsible for our fear response.

Our inner ninja can run amok when we are in danger, causing us to freeze when we should act, flee when we should fight and become overwhelmed by the stress of the situation. It is not that we do not know on some level that there really is not any danger, it is more to do with our brain's wiring. A highly sensitive person's amygdala is over-stimulated by too much sensory input so when they are in a threatening situation, they experience the fight-or-flight response even when it is not necessary. Drugs and alcohol dull our inner ninja's fight-or-flight response and can leave us feeling a false sense of security, at least temporarily.

So, what can we do about it? Well, for myself meditation has been a way to help gain the upper hand on my fear. I had attempted meditation in the past but never had any success with it until I found some guided meditations that were designed for people just like me. It has made all the difference in my life, and I now meditate every day, even if it is for 30 seconds.

Now, when I find myself worrying about something, I close my eyes and take some deep breaths before starting to meditate. Within five minutes or so I am already feeling much calmer and my mind is no longer racing. I have experienced major improvements in my stress levels, anxiety, and overall mood since I started meditating regularly.

The next step I took was to rid my routine of negative thought patterns. This was not always easy because it meant that I had to be much more aware of what was going on in my life 24 hours a day. I had to look at all my thoughts and ask myself "Is this a productive or unproductive thought". If it is the latter, then I need to challenge that thought, and reframe it into something positive. It takes practice, repetition, and consistency.

But sometimes negative thoughts are not just things that are going through our heads alone but are also what we are telling ourselves. It means that we need to also pay attention to our thoughts and how often we are saying something negative about ourselves. Negative self-talk is dangerous because it reinforces those negative thought patterns in the brain, causing them to become more of a reality than they should be. Thus, triggering more fear.

So now I check my thoughts constantly and if they are not going to help me or someone else, I do not say them. I also have a rule that I can only speak about something negative if it is constructive criticism and will lead to a positive change, never for the purpose of being a bitch. This has been working well for me because not only does it stop me from being negative, but it also helps me say more positive things because that is what I am thinking.

But sometimes I still slip into negative thinking or say something bad about myself. When this happens, I always try to find someone who will tell me the truth, even if it is difficult to hear. I surround myself with people who will give it to me straight because they understand that I want to make changes for the better and usually have some good advice to offer.

And of course, look within yourself. Try very hard not to be judgmental towards others because I know that if I am judging them, then I will be just as judgmental towards myself.

The point is to go within and face your fears on a more personal level. It is continuing to work towards achieving the life that you long for, but with courage, love, and compassion.

And of course, look within yourself. Try very hard not to be judgmental towards others because I know that if I am judging them, then I will be just as judgmental towards myself.

Fear turns into a learning experience and that leads to positive personal growth. The point is to go within and face your fears on a more personal level. It is continuing to work towards achieving the life that you long for, but with courage, love, and compassion.