being alone

I never really understood the need for alone time until I was married. For a lot of my life, I have been a person who has enjoyed being around others. Before my husband and I married, we talked about the fact that we both liked being social creatures, so there would not be any need for alone time in our lives. HA! This was something I should have listed in my vows when we got married: "I promise to never interfere with your alone time, and I give you permission to have the same for me." 

However, when we moved to NYC, we had no friends, no social network per se and we were around each other 24/7 in a small 1-bedroom apartment. There indeed were many days I went out by myself and did things on my own. We both had a challenging time adjusting to being around each other all the time. However, even if we were not physically together all day long, we were mentally together: planning what we would do, deciding what to eat, how to decorate our new apartment etc.  

At some point, it felt like we were just living together rather than being married. We started fighting about our needs for alone time because now, our need for social interaction was introduced to the relationship. At some point, one of us would step back and say, " I need alone time,” but we could not understand why this time alone request made us feel abandoned or distant from each other. At some point, it finally dawned on me that this was my new life. Just because I got married did not mean I did not need time alone to recharge. This realization hit me like a ton of bricks. I envied all the times I had "privacy" in my life, I realized how much it meant to me. Whether it was spending an hour by myself watching tv or reading a book, taking long lunch breaks at work, or having long-haul flights across the country, I realized how much I craved alone time. 

When we split it was devastating? It was the most painful experience I have ever had because it affected not only my immediate family but also our friends. But after several months of having to go through this process, and the immediate nature of having alone time forced on me, something amazing happened: I realized I was a stronger person. And not only that, but I also learned how to be comfortable alone and not feel guilty about it. 

I oftentimes think about what my life would be like if I had never gotten divorced. Would I still crave the alone time? Or would this desire for aloneness fade away as we got older and more tired physically and mentally? Would we have drifted apart? I do not know the answers to these questions. But what I do know is that I think our need for alone time would have eventually come up because it is human nature. We all need space, whether we are single or married! 

I was not afraid of needing to be alone anymore or even saying "I can't function around others because I need time to recharge every once in a while". It was such an empowering realization, and it has forever changed my life. I have realized that alone time is an extremely important part of my life. It lets me relax, think about things, get creative or just do whatever it is I want to do without having to answer to anyone else. 

We should never feel guilty for needing time to ourselves, whether we are married or not. We all have a certain amount of energy we need to maintain daily. It is up to us if we want to spend this energy with other people or alone, watching TV, reading a book, going for a walk or my favorite, writing. 

However, I understand that it takes time to adjust to the fact that you need alone time just as much as your partner does. One day they will read this article and realize how important it is for both of you to have alone time. It is up to us if we want our relationship to succeed or fail, so choose wisely. 

I have learned to communicate my need for alone time in a way that does not make me feel guilty or my partner feel abandoned. I also know when I should spend the day with my partner or friends and when we should go our separate ways. Having alone time can be extremely healthy and empowering and at some point, you will feel the need to do it and not feel guilty at all. 

I would like you all to remember this: "It's okay to need alone time" if someone does not give it to you, get it for yourself. You will be a better person because of it.